[It does not take much looking. The station, earlier, had been directed to make the way to his spaces open- particularly for Cathaway, but it has made no effort in the interim to shut them down again, something which he has not realized but would not mind if he were to. So if she follows the natural flow to the end she seeks, she will find herself at a door- which is once again closed- simple and white and perfectly blended with the station's design, beyond which, obviously, lies what she seeks.
If she tarries, he will realize she is there, but for a time he is otherwise occupied.]
[ She is not shy to enter his domain, although upon passing through the doorway, she waits there at the edge politely, hands folded. All the appearance of a maiden she may never have been. ]
May I intrude?
[ Merely another gesture of civility, he can still turn her away if he wishes. ]
[He is occupied, but not so occupied he does not hear the slide of the door or feel the change in the air when it opens, that he cannot hear her soft clad feet on the strangely quiet floor of the station. Still, her arrival clearly wasn't expected, as he stops halfway between a usually unused door near the left of his chambers and the large, heavy wooden desk that takes up most of the first room, holding a collection of small ceramic and bronze dishes.
His expression, while mildly surprised, lacks any kind of hostility, and if there's anything in the tug in one corner of his mouth it might be closer to abashed than anything.]
You may, please come in.
[The pause is slightly long, before he collects himself and takes the last step forward to set the dishes on a tray that rests on the corner of the desk.]
Did you require something?
[He is not currently in the right frame of mind to be wary of her. Ilde could be- problematic at times. A thorn at others, but she does not currently seem likely to turn aggressive. For now he is satisfied with that.]
[ When she had awoken here, she had needed so much, from everyone. Or she thought she did, as a foreigner to a life that was her own. She is aware of the discrepancy of this, that the Hive of all places would teach her autonomy, but that's the way of it all the same. She gazes around this place that the Prince has made for himself, contemplative. ]
I've come to... [ A breath's worth of hesitation, bemusement with herself. ] Apologize.
[It is very clearly for him, out of place in the station as he often was in the Nest. Dark wood, rich fabric, low and broad and subtly intricate. Even the scent was different, thick and heavy with smoke and the steam of a strongly herbal tea. Broken only here and there with pieces- small souvenirs from other worlds.
The fingers of his left hand still linger on a delicate china cup, toying absently at the edge as she speaks. Distracted, but attempting very seriously not to be. This was deserving his attentions, if not eloquence.]
You will excuse my asking, but has something specific brought this about?
[ She doesn't find him out of place, but then again... She felt that way herself often. Out of place. Not quite the right fit for this story, for these people. She has her own sanctuary that is out of place, the Station had given it without grudge. It just wanted their comfort, so how out of place could they be.
She regrets not coming here sooner. It is a flit of an emotion. ]
Time. It has been one hundred and ten days and nights--
[ She pauses. She counts in days and always has, there had never been much point to larger units of time, in a world on the cusp of apocalypse. She wouldn't even know the words, if not for what the consensus directs for her. ]
Three months, and a week. I have traveled to three disparate societies, lost every broodmate, and every friend. [ A tallying of facts, not a recitation of woes.] It is easiest to see, across unbroken waste.
[ The burned world rises in her, the cracked red brick of their razed soil, the strange sickly color of the light as it tried to penetrate endless clouds of smoke to reach them. The soft stirring of the wind is peaceful, it brings with it a snowfall of ash. For miles and miles in every direction: there is nothing. ]
There is... boundless more that I have not yet seen. [ But she is willing to. ] But the path thus far has changed its nature in my mind.
[He does not stop to correct her- that she still had friends here, or that she had not lost every member of her brood, because he knows that it is a foolish argument to make. Her experiences made her words truth, even if they lacked accuracy. To pry at it would serve little purpose, and he did not try to be cruel.
He can sense the echoes of her mind, in a distant way, and realizes that he is still as open as the way to his quarters, that he would have to fix, but it need not be this very second. It is a far-enough thing.]
I see. [In part, which was enough. He had cast aside his name because he had cast aside who he had been- he may not have been willing to give up himself to the Nest but he knew that in the end that didn't matter. It changed you, regardless of how you embraced or rejected it.]
But there is no need to apologize to me. What is done is done.
[The fact she thought she needed to was in itself was a good sign, but he would judge her by her actions, and if this was a reflection of actions to come, perhaps he would judge her kinder.]
I know. [ The quirk of almost a smile, looking away at nothing in particular. ] Perhaps apology is not the word.
[ Because she still hasn't done so, not exactly. She does not, in entirety, believe in apology. She had done what had done because those actions made sense to her in the context of that moment. She's still not sorry for killing that boy. She's only vaguely sorry for being a surly wretch in the aftermath, as though the Prince had any power over her... But he was just a man. Just another host. He's more pleasant to her that way.
Maybe it was seeing the woman at the scattered heart of Cathaway that made her feel this way. ]
[Her words bring a long pause, not entirely comfortable. This was- difficult. His lips narrow, the slightest degree, and his fingers still along the cups edge, tapping once, twice. This was difficult.]
Yes, for me, I am willing, however-
[He takes a breath, straightens his shoulders. More severe by degrees. He yet had a duty.]
Please understand that I cannot disregard your actions of the past when it comes to my responsibility to the other Hosts and to the Nest. I cannot forget what it is that I know, and I must consider all things when making decisions regarding the safety of all.
[There's something like exhaustion in his voice, tinging his words-] This is not a decision I make to undermine you, or your efforts, but because it is what must be done. Know, however, that I will place no greater weight on those past actions than I will place on those of the future. If that is something that you can accept, I have no qualms with the suggestion.
[ Her amusement is dark, slight, and not entirely pleasant. Other voices are spilling in to her, the cruel and stupid things said to her by others: Do you think you're really that significant, and of such great consequence to us all? It might be fun to repeat Lexa's words, watch their effects cascade. She doesn't. She just smiles. Something of her sullenness has lifted off of her -- dispersed into the webs. ]
Of course. You have your considerations.
[ And she has hers. Whose will won out would resolve itself without any particular animosity required between them as denizens of the Station. ]
[To hear cruel things from her- or from their original source, would have been of no great surprise to him, but they may spoil his mood- which had so recently seemed unspoilable. Better, then, that she decides to keep them where they rest.]
Then I am willing.
[A simple word for an unsimple thing, but in all honesty he was already- predisposed to be more gentle with her, considering all that has happened. Foolish, maybe, when she had done near as much ill as had been done to her, but she had had reason and the others had not, when they should have had sympathy for her feelings of loss if not who she had lost. He had been- disappointed by their actions. Not for the first time and doubtlessly for the last, but he had hoped that time, if nothing else, might have engendered some amount of kind feelings in them.
He shifted slightly, tension easing ever so from his shoulders before gesturing to the low couch to her right, just beside the door, cushioned and austere.]
[ It reminds her of the Darkling's memories, of his domain within the palace... And yet it is so very different from the Godking's palace. His ziggurat had been constructed for comfort in a wasteland, however. Its upper level had been a series of rotunda, onion domes above, perched upon thick columns. It was all open air, where the 'court' lay about starving or dead on tattered blankets and pillows. Below was much of the palace, almost all of it converted to dungeons and torture chambers...
She has gotten used to furniture, to the basic comforts of civility, although she has yet to forget where she came from. She caresses the upholstery of the couch before she sinks down onto it. ]
[He almost does not know what to do with such a compliment- he had not been attempting beauty, precisely. Comfort and familiarity, certainly. A certain amount of respectability, but he could understand well enough that his values trended in such a direction. Still, he was far more accustomed to his spaces being met with bitterness or hostility. They seemred quite hypocritical, but he had to exist in this place, often isolated, nearly alone, for many many cycles. He could handle hypocrisy.
But then again, she had her own place. Presumably she would have difficulty holding this against him.]
Thank you. It suits my needs.
[Evidenced by the small collection of data pads, the carefully organized stacks of tech and weapons awaiting his attentions. He makes no move to join her on the couch, settling instead for leaning against the edge of the desk.]
How have you found this time, away from the rest? Has it been helpful?
Yes. [ A soft answer, filled with an inner pleasure. ] It was needed.
[ She wonders how much to elaborate on this. So many times she has been reminded that her old life is over, when she dares to explain the time and effort it takes her to learn and to change. And yet, she is the one furthest in the act. She knows it, and the others watch her warily, reminding her over and over that her old life is gone... She shakes this off with a huff of chagrin. ]
I was overwhelmed, but I believe... every time I have become so, I have better learned to withstand the chaos of my own thoughts.
[ She looks to him, not for praise, but out of curiosity if he understands what she is telling him. That she is her own worst enemy, most of the time. ]
[He does not doubt that, which is why he had made no effort to cajole her into joining the rest in this loud and boisterous place. He does not think it would suit her, even in the best of times.]
You had reason to be.
[It is not an excuse- not tacit approval of her actions- but she was one of the few- perhaps she was the only- to understand fully what the loss of a broodmate truly meant. Most had yet to form the bonds, to know that extra strength they could have. Their losses would still be holes in them, but they did not so well understand how deep. How much possibility was lost. Ren may yet awaken. Others as well, but until that possibility arose she was reduced.]
But that is good. Mastery of the self is no simple task, but it will benefit you.
[And, if it was not clear enough, restraint was something he valued above little else. Interesting, considering his preoccupation with his own broodmate.]
The path ahead will be simpler in some ways, more complicated in others, but you may find yourself better equipped to deal with the uncertainty.
[ She's struggled with a balance between her vicious desire for control and her more pragmatic appreciation for the world's chaos. She had been guided, grown, into a twisted knot of self-protection, giving way to the influences of others at a shallow level to appease them. All the while keeping the true kernel that is she hidden in the icy depths of an unreachable center. These ways and are no longer effective. Too much was changing around her, she could not keep pace to it, and as her sense of control slipped, so did her cruelty, her hunger for power.
She is less greedy, when she does not feel so threatened. Although there is always something dark flickering beneath even her softest veneers. Ilde Vilmaine is the Godking's acolyte, there is nothing to be done for it.]
I thought I understood better than I did.
[ She was humble in admitting what she did not know, as there was so much, but somehow the young hosts as a group had built an expectation that seeped out into them all. She examines that concept, intrigued, but she doesn't have the words to express it intelligently, it will have to remain a curiosity, for now. ]
I expect... my point of view to continue to change. Now that I see its impermanence.
[ Maybe he isn't the one to talk to about that, this man dug in stubborn like a tick in the bowels of the Station... ]
[Not so stubborn as he had been, but stubborn enough.]
Many have found strength in adaptability.
[It was not his way. He had changed only with stubborn reluctance, and only so far as he had to in order to survive, when simply hunkering down and attempting to weather the storm was not.]
You would not be the first to fail to realize what it is you have until it is lost to you.
[He speaks, of course, from experience. Today, it does not sting so much as it does at times, but he is unusually nostalgic today. He has been left in a mood, even if it is not quite unpleasant.]
[ Ilde considers this, considers him and the concept of his exclusion from such tactics. ]
Are you satisfied, with this?
[ His lair, his exclusion. What did he accomplish here, beyond being an obvious foil to Cathaway. Was this simply a facet of an Iota, given to stubbornness and physical mechanics. Unburdened with some of her problems, her thoughts now hum, looking him over more like an artifact to be turned this way, that way. Looking for signs of history and intent. How had they all gone about so blithely and selfishly, without finding out the meanings of those who had greeted them. ]
With the strength you have found.
[ She doesn't quite know how to wind him backwards to his own awakening, but he could not have begun this way. None of them could remain what they were. ]
There is a barb in the question- so fast on the heels of unmooring the station. It had been, as it always was, a reminder of his weakness. A weakness that would be completely acceptable, if it came at a cost only to him. But it didn't.
Still, he has bent enough for one day. To ask more of him was to break the core. He breaths, settles his irritation.]
I am satisfied enough. It is the balance I have chosen.
Anything that is worth the doing is painful, in some way.
[Yes, of course, but the uncertainty would have driven him to madness. Even now, adjusting just to a slight change of course- were he not so relieved in this moment he would be consumed with his anxieties.]
For now, it is what is required of me to do what needs to be done.
[That may change. He would forever be coming to terms with impermanence.]
[ Her lean is a little bit more intent for a moment, more questions, dagger bright sparkling on the very tip of her tongue. He doesn't need to patronize her, telling her about pain, that isn't really what she was asking but-- She stops herself. Sits back, composed and smiles. Rises, knows when it is time for her to go. ]
[She may think he is lecturing, but he is not speaking to her. He doesn't think to. He is distracted from his responsibilities, for the time being, and if he cared to see that bright flash moment in her mind it would only serve to exasperate him.
But he doesn't look, because he never does, and he is, for now, absorbed in other things. It is probably for the best.
He shifts against the edge of the desk, moves to stand on his own feet again as she does, some convention that was required. The question should not surprise him. It made, in fact, perfect sense.]
Yes, of course. Cathaway said that she would enlist your help.
[There was a time he would have said that she would need it- but she was not quite so helpless in such things as she had been, and he had little room to judge himself. the cullinary arts had not been a part of his education.]
I look forward to it.
[In part. It would likely be some kind of a disaster, but until that happened, he would reamain as optomistic as possible.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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If she tarries, he will realize she is there, but for a time he is otherwise occupied.]
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May I intrude?
[ Merely another gesture of civility, he can still turn her away if he wishes. ]
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His expression, while mildly surprised, lacks any kind of hostility, and if there's anything in the tug in one corner of his mouth it might be closer to abashed than anything.]
You may, please come in.
[The pause is slightly long, before he collects himself and takes the last step forward to set the dishes on a tray that rests on the corner of the desk.]
Did you require something?
[He is not currently in the right frame of mind to be wary of her. Ilde could be- problematic at times. A thorn at others, but she does not currently seem likely to turn aggressive. For now he is satisfied with that.]
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[ When she had awoken here, she had needed so much, from everyone. Or she thought she did, as a foreigner to a life that was her own. She is aware of the discrepancy of this, that the Hive of all places would teach her autonomy, but that's the way of it all the same. She gazes around this place that the Prince has made for himself, contemplative. ]
I've come to... [ A breath's worth of hesitation, bemusement with herself. ] Apologize.
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The fingers of his left hand still linger on a delicate china cup, toying absently at the edge as she speaks. Distracted, but attempting very seriously not to be. This was deserving his attentions, if not eloquence.]
You will excuse my asking, but has something specific brought this about?
[Have you done something new, Ilde?]
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She regrets not coming here sooner. It is a flit of an emotion. ]
Time. It has been one hundred and ten days and nights--
[ She pauses. She counts in days and always has, there had never been much point to larger units of time, in a world on the cusp of apocalypse. She wouldn't even know the words, if not for what the consensus directs for her. ]
Three months, and a week. I have traveled to three disparate societies, lost every broodmate, and every friend. [ A tallying of facts, not a recitation of woes.] It is easiest to see, across unbroken waste.
[ The burned world rises in her, the cracked red brick of their razed soil, the strange sickly color of the light as it tried to penetrate endless clouds of smoke to reach them. The soft stirring of the wind is peaceful, it brings with it a snowfall of ash. For miles and miles in every direction: there is nothing. ]
There is... boundless more that I have not yet seen. [ But she is willing to. ] But the path thus far has changed its nature in my mind.
no subject
He can sense the echoes of her mind, in a distant way, and realizes that he is still as open as the way to his quarters, that he would have to fix, but it need not be this very second. It is a far-enough thing.]
I see. [In part, which was enough. He had cast aside his name because he had cast aside who he had been- he may not have been willing to give up himself to the Nest but he knew that in the end that didn't matter. It changed you, regardless of how you embraced or rejected it.]
But there is no need to apologize to me. What is done is done.
[The fact she thought she needed to was in itself was a good sign, but he would judge her by her actions, and if this was a reflection of actions to come, perhaps he would judge her kinder.]
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[ Because she still hasn't done so, not exactly. She does not, in entirety, believe in apology. She had done what had done because those actions made sense to her in the context of that moment. She's still not sorry for killing that boy. She's only vaguely sorry for being a surly wretch in the aftermath, as though the Prince had any power over her... But he was just a man. Just another host. He's more pleasant to her that way.
Maybe it was seeing the woman at the scattered heart of Cathaway that made her feel this way. ]
I'd like to start afresh, with you.
[ A reintroduction, maybe. ]
If you are willing.
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Yes, for me, I am willing, however-
[He takes a breath, straightens his shoulders. More severe by degrees. He yet had a duty.]
Please understand that I cannot disregard your actions of the past when it comes to my responsibility to the other Hosts and to the Nest. I cannot forget what it is that I know, and I must consider all things when making decisions regarding the safety of all.
[There's something like exhaustion in his voice, tinging his words-] This is not a decision I make to undermine you, or your efforts, but because it is what must be done. Know, however, that I will place no greater weight on those past actions than I will place on those of the future. If that is something that you can accept, I have no qualms with the suggestion.
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Of course. You have your considerations.
[ And she has hers. Whose will won out would resolve itself without any particular animosity required between them as denizens of the Station. ]
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Then I am willing.
[A simple word for an unsimple thing, but in all honesty he was already- predisposed to be more gentle with her, considering all that has happened. Foolish, maybe, when she had done near as much ill as had been done to her, but she had had reason and the others had not, when they should have had sympathy for her feelings of loss if not who she had lost. He had been- disappointed by their actions. Not for the first time and doubtlessly for the last, but he had hoped that time, if nothing else, might have engendered some amount of kind feelings in them.
He shifted slightly, tension easing ever so from his shoulders before gesturing to the low couch to her right, just beside the door, cushioned and austere.]
Would you like to sit?
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[ It reminds her of the Darkling's memories, of his domain within the palace... And yet it is so very different from the Godking's palace. His ziggurat had been constructed for comfort in a wasteland, however. Its upper level had been a series of rotunda, onion domes above, perched upon thick columns. It was all open air, where the 'court' lay about starving or dead on tattered blankets and pillows. Below was much of the palace, almost all of it converted to dungeons and torture chambers...
She has gotten used to furniture, to the basic comforts of civility, although she has yet to forget where she came from. She caresses the upholstery of the couch before she sinks down onto it. ]
It suits you.
no subject
But then again, she had her own place. Presumably she would have difficulty holding this against him.]
Thank you. It suits my needs.
[Evidenced by the small collection of data pads, the carefully organized stacks of tech and weapons awaiting his attentions. He makes no move to join her on the couch, settling instead for leaning against the edge of the desk.]
How have you found this time, away from the rest? Has it been helpful?
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[ She wonders how much to elaborate on this. So many times she has been reminded that her old life is over, when she dares to explain the time and effort it takes her to learn and to change. And yet, she is the one furthest in the act. She knows it, and the others watch her warily, reminding her over and over that her old life is gone... She shakes this off with a huff of chagrin. ]
I was overwhelmed, but I believe... every time I have become so, I have better learned to withstand the chaos of my own thoughts.
[ She looks to him, not for praise, but out of curiosity if he understands what she is telling him. That she is her own worst enemy, most of the time. ]
no subject
You had reason to be.
[It is not an excuse- not tacit approval of her actions- but she was one of the few- perhaps she was the only- to understand fully what the loss of a broodmate truly meant. Most had yet to form the bonds, to know that extra strength they could have. Their losses would still be holes in them, but they did not so well understand how deep. How much possibility was lost. Ren may yet awaken. Others as well, but until that possibility arose she was reduced.]
But that is good. Mastery of the self is no simple task, but it will benefit you.
[And, if it was not clear enough, restraint was something he valued above little else. Interesting, considering his preoccupation with his own broodmate.]
The path ahead will be simpler in some ways, more complicated in others, but you may find yourself better equipped to deal with the uncertainty.
no subject
She is less greedy, when she does not feel so threatened. Although there is always something dark flickering beneath even her softest veneers. Ilde Vilmaine is the Godking's acolyte, there is nothing to be done for it.]
I thought I understood better than I did.
[ She was humble in admitting what she did not know, as there was so much, but somehow the young hosts as a group had built an expectation that seeped out into them all. She examines that concept, intrigued, but she doesn't have the words to express it intelligently, it will have to remain a curiosity, for now. ]
I expect... my point of view to continue to change. Now that I see its impermanence.
[ Maybe he isn't the one to talk to about that, this man dug in stubborn like a tick in the bowels of the Station... ]
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Many have found strength in adaptability.
[It was not his way. He had changed only with stubborn reluctance, and only so far as he had to in order to survive, when simply hunkering down and attempting to weather the storm was not.]
You would not be the first to fail to realize what it is you have until it is lost to you.
[He speaks, of course, from experience. Today, it does not sting so much as it does at times, but he is unusually nostalgic today. He has been left in a mood, even if it is not quite unpleasant.]
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Are you satisfied, with this?
[ His lair, his exclusion. What did he accomplish here, beyond being an obvious foil to Cathaway. Was this simply a facet of an Iota, given to stubbornness and physical mechanics. Unburdened with some of her problems, her thoughts now hum, looking him over more like an artifact to be turned this way, that way. Looking for signs of history and intent. How had they all gone about so blithely and selfishly, without finding out the meanings of those who had greeted them. ]
With the strength you have found.
[ She doesn't quite know how to wind him backwards to his own awakening, but he could not have begun this way. None of them could remain what they were. ]
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There is a barb in the question- so fast on the heels of unmooring the station. It had been, as it always was, a reminder of his weakness. A weakness that would be completely acceptable, if it came at a cost only to him. But it didn't.
Still, he has bent enough for one day. To ask more of him was to break the core. He breaths, settles his irritation.]
I am satisfied enough. It is the balance I have chosen.
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Was it painful, to choose?
[ Is it still? ]
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[Yes, of course, but the uncertainty would have driven him to madness. Even now, adjusting just to a slight change of course- were he not so relieved in this moment he would be consumed with his anxieties.]
For now, it is what is required of me to do what needs to be done.
[That may change. He would forever be coming to terms with impermanence.]
no subject
Will you be attending the dinner?
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But he doesn't look, because he never does, and he is, for now, absorbed in other things. It is probably for the best.
He shifts against the edge of the desk, moves to stand on his own feet again as she does, some convention that was required. The question should not surprise him. It made, in fact, perfect sense.]
Yes, of course. Cathaway said that she would enlist your help.
[There was a time he would have said that she would need it- but she was not quite so helpless in such things as she had been, and he had little room to judge himself. the cullinary arts had not been a part of his education.]
I look forward to it.
[In part. It would likely be some kind of a disaster, but until that happened, he would reamain as optomistic as possible.]